Everybody is moving to Miami during the pandemic. Honestly, we’d rather you didn’t

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So you want to move to Miami.

We have a word of advice for you: Don’t.

We are not saying this because we are trying to hoard South Florida’s many delights for ourselves. No! Trust us. Once you get beyond the lack of snow and state income tax and the existence of the Miami Heat — the NBA team, not the weather — the delights are minimal.

We are telling you this because of a new report that says South Florida — which includes Miami-Dade and Broward counties — is one of the top destinations for people moving during the COVID-19 pandemic.

The real estate firm FCP and geospatial analytics group Orbital Insight report that South Florida is the no. 4 relocation destination for Americans who have moved during COVID-19, with Orlando right behind us at no. 5.

Tampa is no. 1. So if you simply have to move to Florida, why not give Tampa a try? Sure, they put salami on Cuban sandwiches there, which is a crime against nature, and the Evil That Is Tom Brady plays for the football team, a fact no true Floridian will ever accept. But really, we are sure you will like it better than Miami. We hear they are even having a Super Bowl there next year, and we are certain that won’t be covidtastic or anything.

Your pool will not look like this one at the Standard Spa in Miami Beach. Your pool will be tiny and iguanas will colonize it.

First, you can’t afford to live here. We can’t even afford to live here! South Florida’s median home price is $425,000. We are positive Kansas is cheaper. So is Orlando, where you will never get hit with a hurricane until you do.

Speaking of hurricanes, just because none have hit us this season doesn’t mean it won’t happen next year. Or this year, for that matter. Hurricane season runs from Jan. 2 to Dec. 31 so if you move here you will be a primary target. This is true even if you move away from the beach to Kendall, where collective nightmares from Hurricane Andrew are so powerful babies in Kendall are born with them. Do you want visions of poorly constructed homes blowing into matchsticks in your baby’s brain? We didn’t think so.

And have we mentioned the people? People here are super mean. A year ago Miami was named one of the least compassionate cities in the U.S. COVID-19 and feuding over the 2020 election hasn’t made us any nicer. We have been known to drive poorly, too.

And if you think the people are horrible, wait until you meet the wildlife. Cockroaches and iguanas and raccoons and mosquitoes and pooping peacocks and pythons and alligators and giant freaky monitor lizards that will just bust onto your patio and walk around like they belong there. Even the ducks in Kendall can kick your ass.

You think you’re brave? Wait until a Palmetto bug the size of your fist flies at your face. You won’t be able to get your chancleta off fast enough to hit it. You probably don’t even know how to throw a chancleta with deadly aim. Hell, you probably don’t even know what a chancleta is.

But we do.

We could go on, but we hope you’re getting the idea. It takes a special sort of person to survive living in South Florida, whether you’re in Hialeah or Miramar or Doral or South Miami or Hollywood. You probably don’t have it in you. In fact, you definitely don’t. Orlando is much tamer. Mickey Mouse lives there. So should you.

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